but did it behind my back, anyways.
Lindsey Lohan: You really shouldn't be on this list because I can only care about one set famous twins, and the Olsens have held that slot since 1995, when I started watching Full House. And I KNOW that you claim to be one person, what with the alleged camera tricks in The Parent Trap. But you're not fooling me. You can't Royal Flush yourself in poker. You can't fence with yourself. You can't cut your own hair with your eyes closed while moaning about your hair in a "fake" British accent. You're hiding a twin, and it's that twin who has tanned herself into a booby (adj) carrot who spends her nights going clubbing with Madonna and getting arrested for driving drunk.
Lizzie McGuire: (less commonly known as Hillary Duff) No! You're dating a hockey player with no teeth? You had a threesome in Gossip Girl? You make jokes about not having gone to college with George Lopez on his talk show? George Lopez has a talkshow? No no no this is all wrong. You are supposed get married to Gordo and have hacky-sack-loving babies. You are supposed to continue wearing sequined jeans and butterfly clips. What's the point of ANYTHING if sequins and butterfly clips aren't cool anymore?
Mary-KateAndAshley Olsen: I'll never forget the day I saw half of you on the cover of People magazine for anorexia. I'll never forget it because, what the heck, why didn't Ashley have anorexia, too? Just because you are both a little taller and hotter than your detective super-sleuthing days doesn't mean that you can suddenly have separate lives. This completely shameless disregard for the principles of twindom shakes me at the core. When Mary-Kate dropped out of NYU, Ashley followed. When Ashley became CEO of Dualstar, so did Mary-Kate. There's no "I" in Olsen.
Dora The Explorer: It's understandable that after 9 years of Nick Jr. stardom, you might want to ditch the M-shaped hair, the tubby tummy and the talking backpack. And the velcro-strap shoes, because it doesn't matter how old you get, shoelaces will never be fun. But why would you want to be a tween? Why? You'll never be cool enough, not even with your matching purple headband/belt/leggings. All the other girls will start shaving before you, leaving you to wallow in hairy misery during P.E. School dances won't be that bad if you have a literal circle of friends to hang out with, but once Enrique Iglesias starts singing "Hero", you'll only have a few seconds to find some spiky-haired boy to slow dance with before you lose all desirability.
0:04 ( slow guitar) - everyone has recognized the slow song
0:08 ('Let me be your hero..') - circle of friends disperses, you scan the room for people on your buddy list
0:13 ('Would you dance..) - you start walking faster, people are already pairing off
0:16 ('..if I asked you to dance?..) - hey look! there's-wait they just got asked. Over there- dangit they just asked someone else. If I sprint across the room I could ask- crap they just got asked.
0:23 ('Would you run, and never look back?..) - you look around frantically for loners looking around frantically
0:29 ('Would you cry if you saw me crying?..)- oh Lord, even Doug Lee is dancing with someone already
0:35 ('..or would you save my soul tonight?) - whatever, you've really had to pee anyways. There's nothing wrong with staying in the bathroom for the next 3 minutes and 46 seconds.
